< HOME  Saturday, September 19, 2009

Heeb Magazine Fake Holocaust Memoir Competition

We should be able to win this with our pool of writing talent!

Heeb Magazine Fake Holocaust Memoir Competition

To be sure, false Holocaust memoirs are hardly a recent phenomenon (Next time, Art Spiegelman, do a little research—there was no concentration camp called "Mauschwitz."). But in recent years, they seem to have become both more common and more crappy. It’s no longer enough to simply say you were in a concentration camp, like Fauxlocaust survivor Benjamin Wilkomirski. No, now you need to have been led across Europe by wolves, or have a chance encounter years later that results in your marriage to the hidden Jewish girl who saved you. Bad enough that these assorted frauds and lunatics should spew this nonsense, but do they have to do such a bad job of it? Have they no shame?

The answer, of course, is that they don’t. And so while the rest of the world may turn away or offer the occasional book deal, we cannot remain silent (much less offer a book deal). What we can—no, must—do, is confront this dangerous trend the only way we know how—with a self-aggrandizing and somewhat offensive publicity stunt.

And thus, we unveil the Heeb Magazine Fake Holocaust Memoir Competition. Simply write a fake Holocaust Memoir recounting your tale of Holocaust survival, get it to us by April 1, and let us do the rest, which, in this case, involves reading your submissions choosing a winner, announcing the winner on Yom Hashoah (April 21) and publishing the winning entry in the subsequent issue of Heeb. You’re reading that correctly. You could be published in Heeb Magazine, and who knows—maybe you could be on Oprah, too?

Contest Rules
1. All entries must be received by April 1, 2009.

2. Entries should be emailed to info@heebmagazine.com with the subject line "Heeb Fake Holocaust Memoir Competition" or sent to: Heeb Fake Holocaust Memoir Competition, P.O. Box 687, New York, New York, 10012.

3. Entries may be of any length, but we should tell you that our years of watching TV have really shot our attention span all to hell.

4. Although real Holocaust survivors may enter, the memoirs themselves must be fake.

5. No erotic fan fiction

6. No close friends or relatives of Alex Trebek

7. We reserve the right to mock any and all entries.

8. We reserve the right to publish and mock the winning entry.

9. "Memoirs" shall be defined as a form of writing, not a collage, short film or interpretive dance piece.

10. Jewdar will be the sole arbitrator of entries, and will decide the winner. Don’t be too shocked if it’s Jewdar’s.

11. No parking baby. No parking on the dance floor.

12. No use of the words "tumescent," "engorged" or "moist," unless they are referring to cake

13. No previously published fake Holocaust memoirs

14. All entries must be the original creations of the entrant.

15. We are not liable for anything, anytime, anywhere, no givesies backsies, infinity.


At Saturday, September 19, 2009, Blogger Greg Bacon said...

Jesus H. Christ, I thought this was satire until I clicked on the link.

I'm a Holocaust™, having spent three long years traveling with a circus around eastern Europe. Too hide from those nasty Nazis, I would crawl inside a mound of elephant dung whenever they were around.

They never bothered to look.

After awhile, I started liking the dung so much I started living in huge piles of the stuff, but it had to be fresh or my Nana would scold me.

How much reparation money am I entitled to?

At Saturday, September 19, 2009, Blogger Nepos Libertas said...

If this kind of dumb shit were written by a White Nationalist, the media would howl in horror and protest, decrying political incorrectness.

But because Jews wrote lame, un-PC shit that is offensive to the few actual Holocaust survivors, they get the pass.

Double standard.

Heeb published a sickening cartoon on Talmudic Jewry as mere satire. I actually met the artist who drew the cartoon and told him off at a comic convention in NYC in June 2008. He was taken aback by my negative comment.

Here's my brutal email comment sent to the artist (2 posts below).

Zionist Jews love depraved humor involving grisly violence, horror, and solid waste.

At Saturday, September 19, 2009, Blogger Musique said...

hollowcrapp stories bring tears in my eyes ...reaaaly!

Oh ... that poor little annie

At Saturday, September 19, 2009, Blogger Greg Bacon said...

"The Fifth Diamond" - Yet another absurd new Holocaust Survivor™ memoir - coming to a bookstore and theater near you soon

Her book is called The Fifth Diamond. The title refers to Irene Zisblatt herself - she’s the 5th diamond. What about the first four diamonds? Well, Zisblatt (who says she was born Chana Siegelstein) says that before her parents were killed and she was taken to Auschwitz, her mother sewed four diamonds into the hem of her skirt so she would be able to buy bread one day. Once she got to the concentration camp, there was no place to hide the diamonds for safekeeping, of course. So what did Zisblatt do?

She swallowed the diamonds. And then she dug them out of her poop and swallowed them again. And again the next day. And the next day. Every day for 15 months, nearly 500 days, she swallowed those diamonds, dug them out of her feces, and ate them again....


JA, the story is true! Even on days when we had no water, I'd eat those precious diamonds! Some days, when I was constipated, I'd get a good looking German guard named 'Hanz' to use his huge schlong and stick into my private place, where he'd vigorously push back and forth until I felt something pop! "Hanz' wanted to use his schlong to look into my secret garden for my 'diamonds', but I said Nein, only my back door, my dear sweet 'Hanz!'

After awhile, I started seeing 'Hanz' everyday, even when I wasn't constipated, JA.

Where's my money?

At Tuesday, September 22, 2009, Blogger qrswave said...

ROFL!!! I thought it was satire too!!!

it never ends...


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