Holidays SUCK for the unmarried & childless.
This special edition post is for the cynic in all of us.
(found on a message board with 10-day post expiration, posted here for posterity)
Even Easter, a.k.a. Zombie Jesus Day -- the day Jesus became the walking undead.
News flash to those of you with kids: single people don't want to watch your progeny scramble for candy and eggs while dressed to the nines. This is not our idea of fun.
We don't want to see posed Easter photos, where Junior and Little Miss Sunshine in ringlets are gathered round an Easter basket, one finger in their mouths. This is not our idea of cute.
More and more, the world of America is not made for people who, for whatever reason, are not currently partaking of the American dream: 2.2 kids, a dog, a picket fence, and a house in a suburb that requires getting in the car and entering the freeway to run the smallest of errands.
I'm tired of having otherwise nice holidays hijacked by TBM [true-believing Mormon] relatives and their mewling brats, each dressed as a clone of the older, each reaching for candy to fill the void where cognitive ability should be. I'm tired of every last god forsaken holiday compulsively involving "the family." I'm annoyed by husbands who let their 4-year-olds pick out Valentine gifts for their wives. I'm irked by the idea that every single holiday -- from MLK Day to Arbor Day to the major and the minor -- must accommodate a trinket or a candy for a child under the age of 5, whose brain is not even capable of grasping the meaning behind the holiday, or even the concept of "holiday" outside the realm of construction-paper day care projects and a costume.
The world is increasingly orienting itself more toward children, and less toward adults. More toward perception-based pictograms for the illiterate, and less toward the conceptual, the adult, the cognitive.
At no other time than holidays is this more glaringly apparent. The entire country's intelligence is dumbed down to the level of a 2-year-old's, and we're all supposed to delight in how "fun" and how "cute" this all is.
It isn't. It's fucking stupid.
If I ever raise a child, I guarantee I will never force it to crawl around for candy with its grubby-handed peers; nor will I speak to it in baby-talk about Pilgrims and turkeys; nor will I send extended family photos of the poor, defenseless creature dressed up in all manner of costume for their amusement and my own conformity into the parental world.
Is there anything left in America suitable for thinking adults?